COOL ,,,Waters…Beads of TIME

As I breathe in life , I cannot take out the moments in time , where I feel so alone and my world so cold
and still ….. If I could stop time and chose the moments where I could erase these bits of pain and doubt,
I would …

Pardon  my  melancholy , excuse my nostalgia , but I am in the stage of metamorphosis . I have to remember
all these moments , just to forget . I have to regenerate , to be able to survive . I am soaked deep in the  blue waters of life , swayed by the waves of torment and indifference , of the purest kind , that
my eyes cannot see nor open .

I have to remember all the pain and disappointments , just to live once again . Ironic , you say , but it’s true ,
a person must learn from his own mistakes . I know you will agree with me on this , and some will not . I am not
forcing my thoughts ….I am just reminding you . That life is a great teacher . We just have to be steadfast
in what path we are going….!

The after thoughts running around my mind right now are spinning me senseless , useless and petrified .
Love……pain and tears….and what will happen after all this ! Recalling how I perceive to be in love , recalling
how I feel , and how I acted and how I looked when I was in this state . I have to , I cannot allow myself to
be indifferent , to always keep on running away and lose the meaning and happiness will forever be lost .

Who would have imagined , that I would have to go through this ,again ?  I certainly did not ! Like I said, life is
a relentless teacher , just when you think that all is well and settled , LIFE splashes you with it’s cold waters
of ………………That it stuns you , and halts you on your tracks . Is there something that you missed in life ? Is
there a NEW lesson to be learned ? Do  I need to go through all of this , again ? I have tried time and again to
avoid this situation . And now , it’s back , staring me in the face .

Is love that important ? I ask myself this a million times , over and over again .  Once more it taunts my solitary
existence , which I have lived for so long . I hate this feeling of ,” in between  ” wanting , needing and …..
…….Loving ?  It totally breaks my logical mind , every time it creeps ups on my being . I have always equated
feelings very logically you see , and took charge effortlessly . But now , I am thinking back , dreaming and
wanting , something …Is something missing from my life ?

Logically , I do not need all this pain and mind games ….But again , it’s facing , looking me in my face…Why ?
What is it I am hoping for ? What is it that is missing in my life ? What is it that life , wants me to have , that
will complete my existence ? My whole being is resisting with this thought …! How can I live , life ?

Is being in-love , and loving someone , totally…..fill in the void ? Is this what is missing ? Will this finally
complete me ? Will this give me the courage to open my eyes and see and live life fully ? Many of you , will
immediately say , ” YES” ……Many of you are romantics , as it should be !

But , once again pardon me , I have gone down that road before , and ………..all I have are dreams and
fantasies and yes , broken dreams . So much so that I have told myself that it is not for me …..You might
say ,I have given up on , finding someone for me .  Yet, it keeps coming back ! So I ask , once again ….WHY ?

Yes , I am regenerating , healing once again …trying to breathe , getting out of this labyrinth of torment
as life deals and steals my dreams and hopes  of love , of true love ….And as I wade into the waters , to
live once again , I look back and think , maybe…….. you are the one ………..?

, , , ,

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March 2010
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