You and I


   Hazy blue lights dance around the room, a blurry smoke of cigarettes fill the air . My eyes are misty , is it                                      from the smoke , or are they tears ? I don’t know anymore..!

       I close my eyes and relive , when I first met you ……. thoughts flowing , swirling me into an abyss .

The year , was just beginning for me , a new chapter in an unreal life of aimless direction . A trip to nowhere . Each day a week , I force myself to turn a cheek and survive the day . The only saving grace was music ,( it was my escape from reality ,) and having my new found friends in school . Coming from a private school almost all my growing years , I found a new life , in the college campus . I was , at start , bewildered , stunned at the different and varied cultures , but I slowly blended in , being careful not to be…..a snob.

     Deep inside , nobody knew the turmoil and anger and that I kept , it was my secret . Besides , it was my chance to have a different life , a life I never knew before , being free and somehow be happy , even just for a few hours in school . It was my pie in the sky .

     A burning sensation hits my head , pictures , and images dance and swirl in the darkness . Hot flowing tears roll down my cheeks…."Oh , how I wish ",  I say, that I could freeze time . I’m swept in a flurry of , moments that I wish that could stay . Imaginations or dreams flow non-stop, that sent my innocent heart start to burn and explode with happiness . Am I just dreaming all this ? Could this be true , that I am with someone who , made my eyes see stars and dream………to be engulfed in the arms of the universe ? I could not find the words to tell you , before … long ago ,I did not have the courage to express my feelings , blame it on my pure heart , so simple but true . I thought , these moments would last for a life time .

      Softly brushing my fingers though your hair , looking into your eyes and saying softly , I love you…..words that were unspoken and never said enough, so sad and yet , " felt . "If only you knew". I would tell myself . But I was just so happy and content being with you , just to touch your hands and tender kisses locked in embrace that seems to be endless for me . That all sense and reason cannot explain . So many wonderful sensations that exploded and lifted me into another world, opening my eyes to have hope and the will to go on , so You and I can love  forever ,together . …So sad , so many unspoken words ,  so little time , that could have made a world of difference in our lives .

      Happy thoughts mixed with fear and anxiety flowing nightly , were my companions when evening falls  , and I am back in my reality . If you only , understood then …maybe your heart and mine would have  been one. But I never dared asking you , nor confided in you about the demons that haunt and existed in my real world . Maybe , I thought,"he would figure it out and set me free"……if he really cared enough .!  You see. I grew up believing in fairy tales and Knights who rescue princesses……I still do…..Romantic me..

     I wait for the morning to break , to take away the demons….I see them scampering in the cracks , hiding from the sun…..and all is well again . The mist clears and one more time , I will be beside you…I remember all this and smile. You made me very happy  , those days of long ago , when  we had our own world .
     I never realized , that the demons would and could shatter the barrier that stood against them and us ! I never imagined that my life again would be broken into pieces . Where despair took hold and hope ….lost . But still , I ‘d dreamed, waited and hoped that you will find the light and make sense of what was happening and rescue me….was that too much to hope for ? I guess , it was .

      You , don’t know the way ,I felt inside……all the hopes dashed  into the ground . I felt so foolish and alone .I told myself , that your love was  not strong enough , or was it just a cruel game . I’ll never really know , the winds of time came quickly and blew past You and I, so strong that nothing was left . We were gone , blown into oblivion .

       And I , took hold of my life and moved on , learning lessons in life ,that love can be a game , looking at myself in the mirror and saying ," Never again ".! I might not have all the answers ,  no regrets , no commitments . I can and will play life’s game and have fun doing it , And I did , I am living an adventure that most women did not dare to travel , with no regrets .

       Life it seems , slips away just like it did…All I want is all I need , nothing more . When visions of You and I still play around in mind . my love , of long ago .



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February 2010
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